I am losing my mind. I pray and I pray, but I still don’t know what to do. I want to be hopeful, but the sadness I experience overwhelms me. I start to panic and my heart rate speeds up. I try to calm myself down, but my attempts are thwarted by more negative thinking. I fall to my knees. I beg God to relieve me from this suffering, and I ask for things to get better.
A few days past, I have managed to motivate myself to get out of bed and try to get on with my regular routine. I still feel the same. I feel like God has abandoned me. The people around me look like they are living such great lives. My friends and family all seem to be living the dream, but have no clue that I am struggling so much.
Why does it seem like everyone else has it so easy? Being me just feels so tough. I can’t get a break. If not for the tree falling on the house after the storm last week, things would seem better. Also, why did my SUV need brake repairs now? The expenses are mounting up, and I am already short this week. God, where are you?
For the past few months, this has been my trend of thought. One mishap after the other come and graces me with its presence. All I really want to do is throw in the towel. I have had enough of God not answering me. I need answers. I need a solution. I need help.
Then today happened. Something at my very core told me to go 12 noon mass today. Something I don’t do. I usually pray a lot and try to talk to God throughout the day. But, the last few months I noticed I was trying to solve things on my own. I wasn’t interacting with God as much as I did. In honestly, I had forgotten my own motto “God in Everything I do.” You can imagine why I find it so hard to write something when I am so uninspired to do so. While the troubles I am currently going through haven’t gone away, I am working on putting my trust in God again so that I don’t have to go through my sufferings on my own.
It has just been such a horrible time lately. I needed to take a step back and reflect. I don’t know much. But, I learned that sometimes God answers us in silence. I really wish He didn’t do that. I am just really glad that He didn’t leave me. In silence, I learned that I was running away from Him. I was too proud thinking I could solve everything on my own. The thing is I chose to suffer alone. Yes, I prayed to Him. But, I didn’t trust in Him. I didn’t trust that He would be there to help me during this tough time. Today’s Gospel reading, talks about us needing to humble ourselves like children before we can receive the rewards of heaven.
I had to humble myself today to let my faith grow. The future will bring about days of discouragement, stress, hopelessness, and sufferings. Will we remember to trust that God is there watching over us? Will we remember that in His silence He is always there fighting with us against our own demons and sufferings of today.
What are you suffering from today? Will you humble yourself to let it be known? Please feel free to comment below and let me know how you are feeling. God gives us all that we can handle and He also provides us with hope to fight another day. You are never alone unless you chose it.